Sounds easy, but sometimes things are easier said than done.
God's love and embrace has been surrounding me my whole life- it is only recently that I decided to feel it, listen to it, crave it, study it, and walk with it. At the lowest point in my life, God showed up in a BIG and powerful way to call me to serve. And so I have served with all of my heart.
Serving though, is not the same thing as letting go and letting God. In my life, letting go has been difficult because it means letting go of the control, the planning, the direction, the idea that it is up to me to find my way. During treatment, it is difficult to let go because you are grasping at whatever pieces you can control. The truth is that there is already a path for each of us.
Over the past 18 months, I have been in turmoil about what to do. The work that God called me to do with Little Pink is so clear, so good, so easy to love. But I have been in a place where the real world still calls. The bills, the mortgage, tuition, the pieces of the puzzle that seem like they are standing in the way of completely surrendering to his calling. And so, I continued to work a job to do those things. Because to give up that job meant to let go. And if I let go, who would be in charge??
Every step of the way for the past two years, God has placed his mission and vision for Little Pink on the hearts of friends, strangers, survivors, children and all of the needs of the organization have been met. I have story after story that would cause goose bumps to go down your arm that all reflect his ability to reach into and connect people in a way that is life changing. So, why have I been stuck on the idea that he can take care of everything else, but my problem was too big. It wasn't a problem at all, it was an attempt at looking at taking a leap of faith if and only if I could control it.
I struggled over the idea of a leap of faith. Everyone kept saying, "God will take care of everything, just take a leap of faith".
So, we prayed and prayed some more, and then tried to control things, then prayed some more. And finally made a decision to take the "leap of faith" and just focus my work time on Little Pink. So as of December 31st, I will focus all of my energies on what matters most- my family, Little Pink, caring for my survivorship, and trying to be the hands and feet of Jesus as I walk through each day.
Since I made that decision, one that had been filled with tension and strife- I truly understand the idea of letting go and letting God. I thought it would feel like a leap of faith. I thought I would be scared. But instead it 100% feels like a leap of assurance. There is a peace that I feel that is indescribable. He told me that he will care for me, love me, and dissolve my fears and doubts of unbelief. Each need will be filled. So it is not a leap of faith, it is a leap of assurance. Faith will carry me through when I start doubting, assurance is what he has already written.
Give in. Let Go. Let God!